You said those magic words in the shadow of a mountain, underneath a lamppost, surrounded by lights and hundreds of thousands of people. Eyes wet with tears, saturating my lashes, dropping off like full, beautiful ripened berries of crystal, those words jarred me out of everything, out of this world, leaving me in darkness, with only your voice still intact. And after all the days we'd spent together, after everything we'd been through, it finally, finally came together and I knew it was true, at least for that moment.
I cried again, this time not for some misunderstanding, for horrible feeling of being abandoned, but rather for myself, because I now realize that all of my insecurities in people, everything I doubted in you was what I really doubted in myself. And how I may someday come to abandon you, just as I fear with as much terror as anyone can feel that I will be as well. Thinking back on the past, I hate myself, but I cannot change, or at least I don't know how. I hope to god that you do.
But I'm not sure. It does not matter for now, right? You are a good person. I have known many good people, and I am thankful for that, thankful to have loved them and been loved by them. And maybe there's something strange with me, where I can't be happy, where I have to hurt myself and leave everyone and everything behind me, I have to keep moving, running. I have to be alone. I have to be able to cloister myself and just feel surrounded by nothingness. I don't know why, but at least I have such good memories of the world outside my head. With your words, I am jarred into a place somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness. It's just Us.
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